My husband has just gone up to bed. At 7:00. Voluntary exile. The usual.
My talking is annoying more than just myself these days. Probably because of this habit of diving too deep into new topics (this week…an earthship), and giving an unnecessary, detailed running commentary of my findings. And my thoughts on my findings, my questions about my thoughts on my findings. My worries about my motivations for even seeking said findings. The usual.
Do I feel bad about his exile? Yes. Yes, I do. It’s Saturday night and the playoffs are on. But do I also wish I could crawl into bed, open a book and be free of the running commentary that plays constantly in my head? Yes. Very much, yes.
See, we’ve both had this long time problem with living too much in the future. Individually, it kept us each afloat in the chaotic sea of adolescence. When I’m driving…When I graduate…When I move out…When I get my career going. So ok. Good moves then. Right?
Together, we’ve moved through homes, cities, careers, into marriage, into parenthood…and why in the world is that not enough to keep me locked firmly in the present? He is making a real effort to stay Here, while I am forever peeking over the fence, out into the horizon, off and away into the There. The land of Someday. Maybe. What if. It’s exhausting. It’s completely unfair to my husband and my daughter. And myself.
So I can only wonder…what is drowned out that I might hear, if I were only silent? To what am I blind that I might see if I would only refocus my vision? Why am I so willing to trade the actual moments that develop right in front of me for the potential ones that may or may not ever take place?
It’s impossible to fill a glass tonight with the juice I will not buy until tomorrow morning. There is water here now, in copious amounts. I can drink it and be refreshed. Or I can continue to crave the sweet, cool pulp of the juice…and go thirsty from my fickleness.
Do I wish I could crawl into bed, open a book and be free of the running commentary that plays constantly in my head? Yes. Very much, yes.
Maybe I was better off just researching the earthship…